Responding to Rude People...

How to Handle Rude Co-workers & Business People.

     So, you got a call and they were rude, obnoxious or brash. You would like to reach through the phone and throttle them. You want to email them and tell them what for. You can think of a dozen things you should have said if only you would have been quick enough with the perfect retort. You look at the phone and dare them to call back again!

     When someone bullies you or is insulting, whether by email, phone or in person, do everything you can not to react in like kind. Lashing out will strategically work against you. Bite your tongue and hold the emails. Let's think about how to respond without jeopardizing a business relationship. 

     1. Don't react immediately. Silence is your friend. Bite your tongue. The first thing to do at the time of the offense is to create distance so that things don't escalate or get worse.  If the other person is being a bully on the phone, think about interrupting the conversation with something like this, "It sounds like you're angry. I'm hanging up now and we can talk later after you've cooled down. Thank you."  or you could say, "Now is not a good time to talk. I have to go now."

     Rude emails... we all get them. If it's a rude email, don't overreact with another rude email. Want to know what I do? As soon as I see that an email is getting a little hurtful or offensive, I close it. Then, later on in the day, when I'm cool and collected, I re-open the email and read it through. I don't respond until I have carefully considered a response. Sometimes, I will simple respond with, "Thank you for your feedback."

   Whether at a business meeting or with a boss or with a customer, remember you're nobody's punching bag. In a difficult situation, try to disconnect as calmly and as quickly as possible before your knee-jerk reaction creates a bigger problem.

     It's even okay to gently say, "I'm getting angry with this conversation. I need to step away and take a break. Excuse me for now and we'll come back to this ...." or you could say, "I am pleased to discuss this at another time, but not now. We may have to find some middle ground. Let's continue this conversation tomorrow."

     2. Get some clarity. I find that getting a third person's point of view of the situation helps me to see more clearly. Also, a little time can bring solutions. It could be that by the time you go back to talk to the offending person, that they'll realize how offensive they were and they'll apologize before you say a word. However, getting another person's input could help you with a new perspective.

     3. Confront the offender. It's sometimes much easier to let things pass. If it only happened one time, then that might be your answer. However, if the person has a pattern of offending, bullying or criticizing you, you must change what you can about the situation. 

     I suggest that if at all possible you set up a meeting. If that isn't possible, or if you're not comfortable with a face-to-face meeting, then I suggest you make an appointment for a phone call. This type of confrontation is best not done by email.

     What to say? Here are some suggestions.

•  "Bob, I've got a bone to pick with you. The other day when you said ___________, I felt picked on and bullied."
• "Judy, it seems to me that you're angry with me about _____________. I would like an opportunity to hear what you have to say in a calm manner. Can we do that?"
• "George, I respect you as my boss. Could we discuss a better way to work with each other?"
• "I appreciate you calling attention to __________. Please excuse my delay in getting back to you. At first I was offended by your approach, then I realized that you were sincerely concerned and passionate about ___________."
• "Thank you for talking with me in regard to the words we had the other day. I am entirely willing to put the incident behind me, and I look for forward to continuing our association."
• "In response to your feedback and criticism about ___________ the other day,  I admit that I was uncomfortable with the conversation and it has taken me a long time to consider what to say...."
• "I understand that you have some thoughts about __________ and I would like to discuss a way that we can address your concerns without offending each other."

     Then, without exaggerating or dramatizing the problem, concentrate on dealing with the facts. Don't put the other person on the defensive, or vent, or threaten. Getting "personal" puts you in a weak position and anger is not an argument. It is an emotion.

      It might be obvious that you and the other person have two opposite point of views and you could say something like this: "I feel that we have clear reasons for our individual stands on __________. However, going forward let's be more sensitive on how we approach each other. If you could email me a brief respectful overview of what your stand is, I would be happy to consider your view. I would rather not have a phone call like we had last time which caused a ticklish and uncomfortable situation between us."

     I recommend that before you confront the person that offended you that you carefully consider what you will say and that you have notes in front of you when you make the phone call. Now that you've had time to reflect on what happened, you can choose your words carefully to accurately reflect your position.